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OCD

OCD is rooted in a desire to be absolutely certain of something.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a neurotype that’s driven by a compulsive desire to be absolutely certain of some piece of information. It has two fundamental components:

Obsession: Some object of fixation that the person can’t stop thinking about once triggered. This could be something like, “Did I turn off the stove? Yeah—but is it really off? How do I know? What if the burner malfunctioned?” etc. These thoughts can be all-consuming.

Compulsion: In order to get some relief from the obsession, people with OCD will behave in compulsive behavior designed to satisfy it. In the above example perhaps the person is going to turn the stove on and off a half a dozen times just to be sure it’s really off.

OCD is frequently caricatured in the media—it’s not about needing your hands to be clean all the time or being annoying with light switches. It’s an all-consuming and all-burning need to take care of a problem that is looming without any relief in sight.

“Pure O” OCD

One thing I used to struggle with is called “Pure O” OCD. In this variation of classic OCD, the compulsive behavior is actually cognitive. You’re not flipping a light switch, you’re talking yourself through some arguments that will allow you to stop stressing out.

Discovering the

@OCD Center of LA⁠

was life changing for me. Their essays about “Pure O” helped me to understand what was happening to me: I was suffering from what they call “Gay OCD”, or a persistent insecurity that my sexuality was actually different than I thought it was. That’s right—I lost a LOT of sleep in my life worried that I was gay and didn’t know it.

Here’s what I came to understand about what was happening to me:

I’d get triggered. Seeing a dude who was well-dressed and conventionally handsome in a TV show or whatever would often kick this off.

I’d be overwhelmed with shame that I was struggling with this, and didn’t feel like I could tell anyone because it didn’t make any sense.

Sweat, fear, terror at the idea that the thought might be true. (Even though nothing in my values is terrified of homosexuality).

So I’d work through it—“am I sexually attracted to this person? How would I know? I’m not aroused, but could I be repressed? Let me think about having sex with this person, is that pleasant/tempting or just weird?” etc. Eventually I’d arrive at “No, I’m not gay, I’d know” and my anxiety would go away.

My brain would learn “Ahh, this is a great way to get dopamine—I’ll just give Myk this same thought again, and he can talk me out of it again.”

Return to 1.

What finally broke the pattern for me is that I stopped doing (4) entirely. This whole loop works because you do the work of processing it, comparing it to the evidence, etc. If you stop doing that—if you just tell yourself “yeah ok, probably true, whatever” and go on with your life—the intrusive thoughts will suddenly stop. It’s neat.

OCD Resources

OCD Resources

Link

Notes

Type

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OCD Center of LA

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This website has resources about dealing with “pure O” OCD, which I didn’t even know was a thing. This site changed my life.

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https://dyslexia.ucsf.edu/ucsf-ucb-schwab

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A center that does research, education, advocacy and outreach, and clinical work.

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https://www.uchastings.edu/people/andrea-lollini/

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Information on someone who is interested in the intersection of law and neurodiversity.

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https://www.cipd.co.uk/Images/neurodiversity-at-work_2018_tcm18-37852.pdf

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An (albeit flawed) introduction to neurodiversity in a professional context. PDF download.

https://roseyrebecca.com

A blog written by Rebecca Rose, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman who shares firsthand experiences and resources for living with her brain and brains like hers.

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https://www.amazon.com/Meeting-Myself-Dark-Journal-Neurodivergent-ebook/dp/B0CLH6B5MP

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A guided shadow work journal with over 100 writing prompts specifically tailored for Neurodivergents, by a Neurodivergent author. Shadow work is the process of getting to know the hidden parts of yourself—thoughts, emotions, behaviours and parts of your personality that you’ve repressed because you were taught that they were undesirable or because of trauma. By bringing these hidden aspects to light, you get to understand yourself better and work towards self-acceptance.

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OCD Social Media Accounts